The two pick at their dinner salads, staring down at the leafy mound before them. Finally, one of them tries to grease the wheels of conversation. Some people consider themselves skilled communicators because they can talk endlessly. But the ability to speak is only one part of the equation—and not the most important part.
The best communication occurs with an even and equal exchange between two people. Getting to know someone new is like peeling an onion one thin layer at the time. But some people, overeager to get into deep and meaningful conversation, go too far too fast.
Think of conversation as a tennis match in which the players lob the ball back and forth. They ask personal or sensitive questions that put the other person on the defensive. If feeling inhibited is a problem for some people, others go to the opposite extreme: they use a date as an opportunity to purge and vent.
This approach has many advantages; you can learn more about someone within 10 minutes of meeting them than you would in hours of carefully constructed emails.
This is also a good approach for people who aren’t very confident expressing themselves in writing.
One of the most common questions I get asked about online dating is what to do to get to know and attract a man through the things you say in e-mails or phone calls in order to create interest before you meet in person.
Ok, let’s say you “meet” a man online through e Harmony and start to correspond with him on a daily basis.
Starting with a coffee date also gives you less time to get anxious or self-conscious because there’s less build up.
Financially, it’s also a good idea because it allows you to meet lots of matches without splashing out on expensive dates. Some people are anxious to know all they can about someone before meeting them.
Should the relationship evolve, there will be plenty of time to get into weighty topics. When a person reveals too much too soon, it can give a false sense of intimacy.
In reality, premature or exaggerated revelations are due more to boundary issues, unresolved pain, or self-centeredness than true intimacy. Maybe your first date questions will lead you to discover that this person is your soul mate—or maybe not.
He’s intelligent, charming, attractive and has a lot going for him in general.