A couple of years ago, I spoke with a reader that was struggling to get over a six month ‘relationship’ where it had become apparent that he had a limited interest and was seeing other women.
She wanted some feedback on an email she intended to send to him expressing her discontent, which immediately had me curious.
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All became clear when I asked about how often they communicated and there had only been two phonecalls in six months. That wasn’t a ‘relationship’ – it was like being a sexual pen pal.
When it all boiled down to it, most of the lazy communication via text and email served 4 purposes: From the perspective of the ‘offender’, it’s obvious that this isn’t a relationship because they, for example in this case, have only called twice in six months and in their eyes, it’s a casual arrangement where they get a shag, an ego stroke, and a shoulder to lean on.
In ‘olden times’ (read: pre text, email, IM, Facebook, Twitter, blogs etc), if someone wasn’t calling you and arranging to see you regularly, plus the relationship wasn’t growing, you knew they weren’t making an effort and that they had , that they are interested although we may realise on some level that it’s not as much as we would like. Here’s the thing: If you expecting bare basics such as being called and to be able to call on a regular basis, is going to scare them off, you 1) have to recognise that the relationship is doomed and that 2) you could stand to raise your standards somewhat.
For those of us that live in Lala Land and would rather have a semblance of a ‘relationship’ on some terms rather than no terms, all this tippy-tapping of messages convinces us that they’re interested; it’s just that some obstacle is preventing them from getting in touch via traditional means or they’re ‘shy’ or ‘busy’ or that it’s the ‘new’ way of doing relationships. Genuine interaction, courtesy, respect, care, trust, intimacy – these things are not dead or old. The fact that someone would ever put you in the position of not knowing when you might hear from them next, or having your calls avoided, or them disappearing and then texting trying to pick up where they left off, or any other completely shady behavior, is indicative of an interaction without basic respect.
To do this, I browsed through as many guys as I could and anyone that had 10 or more favorites, I jotted down in my spreadsheet for later analysis.